Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
