A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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