a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
