I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I party with great urgency now.
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