Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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