Four minutes until I can fart!
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
