Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I wish you could order shots online.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize