he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
