I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Your penis caused this!
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