4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
