i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
