I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
