I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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