TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
