Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.