I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.