Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He called his prostate his "boner button".
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.