i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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