nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
