you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
