If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
