He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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