6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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