I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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