Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
