Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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