tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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