i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
