I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
