The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
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So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
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My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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