Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
