I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?