Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
