YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
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I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
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I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues