I was born with a shot glass in my hand
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
