The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
