No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
