saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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