Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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