What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
