Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
