I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
