I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
