Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
