All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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