I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
