You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
we should paint friendship bongs
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
