so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
pray to the hookup gods
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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