my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
