I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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