I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
