Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
