I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
If I die, sorry about rent.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
