You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
