Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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