Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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