I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
