pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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