I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
