I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
