he was CRYING into my vagina
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
