summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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