I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
