Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
