Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
