My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Someone shattered a urinal.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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