My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
