You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
